psnorman4的部落格

Tears fall before the healing

I remember so clearly the train ride. I can remember the open display of tears in public as I boarded the train. I can remember the fog that settled around my shoulders on that trip. My life and child had left, and in one argument all the meaning in my life was snatched away.

Yes the tears, I remember every one of them as they trickled down my face. I remember the looks of other passengers. I could see the lovely countryside, the cows, the sheep and the blue sky. But God could have done anything that day and I'm sure he was trying to shake me from the numbness that was taking me in its grasp.

How could my bride tell me to leave$%: Didn't she know we were supposed to be married for a lifetime$%: Didn't she know she meant everything to me$%: Didn't she care for me at all$%: Didn't she know I was an emotional guy and needed to be handled with care$%:

How do you cope with all of your meaning in your life suddenly out of your grasp$%: How do you get up$%: When all you want to do is sleep for six months. You can deny it. Yes, you think you can go to sleep and wake up and you'll wake up and everything will be okay. That's what you did. That's how the Easter bunny and Santa Clause used to come faster. You had three sleeps, then two and then suddenly they are back with chocolate and presents. Surely, the rules hadn't changed. Surely that is all I need to do. Just sleep it off I will.

And then after a few days sleep and moping around in your parents house, it's the weekend. And you were meant to be going something with your son today. But he's 550km's away and he doesn't even know you have left. And suddenly a sharp jab of pain pierces your hard and controlled mind, and somehow you are gushing tears. You can't pick the day. You can't pick the time and you know you can't pick the place.

Why does a boy licking an ice cream reduce you to your knees crying$%: Why does a little babies cry make you turn in expectation$%: Why does two little boys chasing each other in the shopping center make you explode with tears$%:

The tears I cried must have filled a bucket, then a tank, then a pool. I remember reading around this time, that Jesus collects all of out tears in a jar. I laughed at that. I'm a simple man. I like stories, and this one sentence in the bible was a great image. The fact that my tears meant something to some God in heaven that I knew all about intrigued me. But it didn't stop the tears. They rained and rained.

Then, within three weeks, a new feeling had descended. This one was dangerous. If she had taken my meaning away, and she didn't care. Well I didn't care anymore. I simply didn't. And this new guy in her life that she has been having an affair with seems a nice guy. I really liked him. He had a better job. He was paying off a house. He would be a better provider. It would be better just to exit stage left. Yes, I was causing my whole family grief and they were all treading on eggshells.

Why even my younger brother stopped touching his wife when I was present. And my mother was so sad. My father was at a loss. My sister she couldn't find the words. Yes, it would be better if I just left them. It was fairer on everyone. They didn't know about divorce. Our extended family had never experienced it and seeing me so broken was hurting them more then I could bear. Somewhere in there, my sister had worked out for using some sexual abuse indicator chart, that I had had been sexually molested. And seeing that I didn't have any reason to continue on living I had recently spilled the truth on my life.

Out came the stories of prostitutes. Out come the doubts in my sexuality. Out came the pain and embarrassment of men I had slept with. Out came all the feelings of hopelessness. And yes when the family found out all of this they were shattered. How could there son have lived this life$%: How could have their brother been so low$%: Why hadn't I ever told them I was broken and lost and in pain$%: Why didn't I tell them$%:

Didn't I care$%: Didn't I feel that they loved me$%: Why didn't I trust anyone$%:$%: How could this happy brother of theirs possibly have lived this life$%: No. They didn't know this boy they called their brother. There seemed a lot more to this guy. And they felt guilty. They wanted to say sorry. They did apologize and try and hug me and comfort me and they were feeling so torn for me. My mother was beside herself with worry. And she knew her boy was slipping from even her grasp.

I was in the shower one day weeping. I had decided to kill myself. I knew how. I was going to get changed. I was going to come outside all happy and cheery and tell them I was going downtown. I was going to write a letter and give it to the reception at my fathers work. Then I was going to kill myself. The pain was unbearable, but somehow after I had accepted that I was going to be gone soon my tears were becoming less.

I'd just stepped out of the shower when my younger brother came into the bathroom. He looked at my eyes and I turned from his gaze. But he asked me what was wrong. He'd seen my eyes. I told him I couldn't go on. And yes I didn't want to live anymore. I told him easily enough and didn't really feel guilty.

He sat down and told me to turn around. He accepted that I was going to kill myself and said there was nothing he could do except hope I didn't. He apologized for all the insults he had given me as we were growing up and said if he had known I was taking them to heart each time, he would have never said them. He told me he loved me and said he would miss me if I left this earth. But he said that he understood that I didn't feel the need to live and he couldn't blame me if I did kill myself.

As a counselor he was being put to the test. Then he said something remarkable. Something that saved my life. Something that has everything to do with every one of you readers that are reading this now.

"I understand you can't find a reason to get up. But look at your life. You have been with prostitutes. You have been molested by a pedophile. You have slept with men. You have drunken yourself to oblivion and back. You've had a wife cheat on you. You have lost your wife. You have lost your son. You have been sexually abused. You have a father that you don't love. You have had brothers pick on you all your life. And you don't have any love for yourself. Or any reason to live. And today, I can see in your eyes that you have decided to end it all. And so its up to me to give you the hope you need. Its up to me, because I don't think I will see you again if I let you go from here.

So Matthew just think about this for a minute. If you can't get up for yourself. Just think of all those people you could help if you got up. If you can recover from this. If you could get up and heal yourself and get counseling and make it out of this mess. Think how many would find hope in your story. Think how many people would live because you shared your story. Everyone would have a hope. If you make it, you can reach more people then I ever could. I have a degree, but you have lived it mate. Think about those thousands of people., Think about how much they need you.. If you can't get up for yourself. Get up for them. Go on."

He patted me on the back and left the bathroom without another word, except, "I'll miss you mate."

Two things saved me that day. All of you and that statement saying I'll miss you. There was no judgement. There was no guilt. But my brother would miss me..

If you have read this and you are going through a hard time. Remember the tears have to rain first. But like any storm, the rain stops one day. And the sun Will come out. I know it does.. But I know that wasn't the last time I was on my way to kill myself. I've been brought back from the brink a few times, with just a couple of heart felt words.

Five ways you can use my story to help yourself.

1. You can overcome grief.

Sometimes it is important just to know someone has been through what you have been through. I am that person for you. I have done it and I'd love to share more answers with you. It is important that you know you can get through what you are going through. You can overcome it. You can get up form the floor with the wind kicked out of you. You can because I did, and if you need some help I'm here for you.

2. You can heal any memory.

You can heal every memory that you have, Every hurt, every abuse. Every painful memory. How do I know this$%: Because that's what I have done. It's a process called healing of the memories, and if you can't find any information on it, feel free to come and be healed by contacting me.

3. You can be set free.

If you are living with guilt and blaming yourself for things that have happened to you, it is possible to be forgiven. All you need to do is ask Jesus Christ to take the feeling away. If you aren't a Christian now, you can find out more about Jesus by visiting a really good Australian site by clicking here. He is a wonderful saviour and a good friend of mine.

One of my favorite books on the subject of walking in a close relationship with him is Experiencing the Depths of Jesus Christ by Madam Guyon

This book is a wonder and you will enter into a closer relationship with Him through reading and meditating on it.

4. You can find a reason to live

Part of my recovery included finding out what I was here on this earth for. I had always wondered what I was meant to do. When I read a book on temperaments three years ago it totally changed the direction in my life. To some of you this book might not appeal, but to the majority it will be an invaluable resource.

Have you ever felt you are just not being accepted for who you are$%: Are you frustrated with your work and place in society and want to know what you'd really be suited to doing$%: Well if you are going through turmoil and you want some direction, I strongly suggest you look up this book. It gave me a purpose, then I got a vision and now I free of worry and depression.

Its' called Please Understand Me and available from Amazon.com

5. You can learn more about abuse and its effect on those you love.

There are plenty of sites around that can help you heal. If you can't find any help and you simply need a person to talk to get in touch with me.

Remember after the tears stop.... the sun shines.

I have cried a lot of tears in my life. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I got through it all. But today, I love myself. Today there is a smile on my face. And today, even though I may be overwhelmed with grief sometimes and be reduced to tears, I know the sun will return faithfully.